When you Grow Up, Will We Still Be Friends?

The other day I realized that someone I considered a good friend is my complete opposite. I made a joke that I found really amusing at the time, and he took it really seriously. This kid has known me for about 3 years. At this point he should expect it. It's just that his personality somehow prevents him from joking around, arguing for the sake of arguing, making up random statistical evidence, and talking shit pointlessly, which is basically everything I love to do. He takes political correctness to the extreme, thinking that an insensitive joke is unquestionably offensive regardless of the context. I mean, I know sometimes I say stuff I shouldn't say, but that kid takes stuff way too far. At some point you have to remember you're still 17, buddy.

Anyway, the title is a quote from a Capote short story, maybe my favorite quote ever. Every time I read it I think of all the people I've ever met, how I've drifted from my IHM friends and how I won't likely see most of my high school class after graduation, even the ones I like. I think about how my dad isn't in touch with anyone from high school or earlier. I remember my oldest friends, Will and Mike, and wonder why I haven't seen Mike in almost a year, and if this means that we're drifting apart or if it's just temporary.

Fuck, Not the 2005 Ravens Again

I've been reflecting on the last few years a lot recently, preparing for graduation, I guess. Anyway I remembered a moment from JV football that really sums up many of the things I do. It was 3rd and 7, and I got one of my rare opportunities to play. Surprisingly, the coach (now a good friend) decided to give me a shot with the ball. 3rd and 7, what the hell, why not? So we ran the play, and I got the handoff, broke through the hole, everything was going fine. Standing right in front of the hole were two linebackers. Right then, I panicked. I realize now that this was a crucial moment in my football years. Instead of breaking outside, trying to go around, making a play, going all out, taking a FUCKING CHANCE, I ran right at 'em. Got 3 goddamn yards. That was the only handoff I ever have or ever will take in a football game.
What I just realized is that this is what I've been doing my whole life. Avoiding the big mistakes, happy with a small gain even if a little chance could result in so much more.

On a note that's pretty fucking cool, I tossed a baseball with Cal Ripken, Jr. yesterday. He even gave me a compliment. One of my heroes. Damn, that felt good.

A Little Confused, Feeling a Little Reckless. Also, OUTER SPACE!!!

What's going on in my life right now!?! For the last year or so, I've been convinced that I want to study engineering. In the last week, I've started questioning it. In my 21st century science class, we spent a day learning about current missions trying to figure if life exists elsewhere in the universe. I realized how badly I want to know more about this and study it. Ever since I first saw Return of the Jedi at the Senator (I think it was 1998, 15th anniversary re-release, maybe)I've loved imagining what else could be out there. I've read countless fan-fiction novels; needless to say it really got me interested in space travel. So now I'm seriously considering trying to get into an astronomy program. Apparently Hopkins' program is really good; the Hubble's images are initially sent to their lab, and they already have the contract for the Hubble's replacement. Fuck, that sounds so exciting. Maybe I could experience some of the first images from the new telescope (I believe it's going to be called the James Webb Telescope). In general, astronomy sounds so cool. We know so little about anything smaller than suns outside our solar system, but with more and more advanced telescopes and hopefully some long-range probes, we can eventually learn some more.

Apparently it now only snows on days when I don't have school anyway. Whatever, school's not so bad anymore anyway. Retreat was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. It wasn't fun or exciting at all (excluding a few select moments). Basically I just learned a whole bunch of stuff about some people that I knew relatively little about. I used to think religion was dead at Gilman. Well, that was way off, to say the least. A few of our discussions turned into gay-bashing homophobic rants by a couple of the kids, and I'm pretty certain one kid tried to convert me. Whatever, they're all pretty cool guys regardless. Some of my views were drastically altered, but some were affirmed by our discussions. A guy that I was pretty sure had never had a problem in his life actually had never had a problem.

Enough with this rambling, I'm out.

I'm Ready for that Wild and Reckless Breeze

second semester, senior year. So many things going down right now. This week: acceptance (hopefully) from UMD, advancing (hopefully) to semi-finals for Nova scholarship, senior retreat, new classes (including Dan Christian's C.S. Lewis, I'm so excited), getting reamed by end of semester/exam grades (I got an email yesterday telling me that I'm lucky I didn't get a 0% on a psych assignment). Most of all though, it's a fresh start. Grades start to lose meaning. I have only 8 (?) months until college. I still have no idea where I'll be heading. Swarthmore, Hopkins, UMD, Nova, GW, Bucknell all sound fantastic. I'm also heavily addicted to coffee; during exam week I averaged 4 cups a day. Now I'm cutting back to 1-2, and I'm gonna have to go cold turkey on retreat. Whatever, I just get really tired without it. After 8 hours of sleep yesterday, I fell asleep at 1pm, about 4 hours after getting up. I'm a little fucked. Also, when I do drink coffee, my face twitches madly whenever I get nervous. I gotta get off that shit. Shouldn't be too tough though. Fuck it's delicious though. I'm drinking a cup right now.

Another thing: 2010 is pretty damn good so far music-wise. The Monitor might just be better than anything from 2009, and Spraynard put out a damn fine album as well. Put that together with another Gaslight album, possibly another Hold Steady album. 2009 was a pretty goddamn amazing year, but I think 2010 is going to top it. Fuck, I just know something disastrous is going to happen to fuck it up for me. Ah, well, I'll just live it out.

I Named My Recent Short Story "Trapped In The Closet" For Shits And Giggles

yo. im tired of this high school bullshit. taking classes in areas that i couldnt give a single fuck about. china? writing fiction? i suck major cock at english/history. i want to learn something thats important to me. and yea, i still have to try cause i didnt get into columbia. where am i headed now? jhu? swarthmore? umd? villanova? i'd be cool with any of these, but i just want to know now. i gotta be done with gilman. 5 months left i guess. i'll just have to wait it out, bs some assignments, stay up all night watching shitty movies.

fuck! my ears are still ringing from that double dagger concert yesterday. i wish i didnt know that i'm going deaf. hopefully cochlear implants will be amazing by the time i need one. theyre pretty good already, but i dont think you can listen to music through one.

i think im changing my mind about seeing the youth in revolt movie. the preview makes it look amazing. presenting nick and francios as two characters in the same scene sounds like a great idea. i laughed out loud at francios' silly mustache. my god, it will be amazing.

Why do people get so excited for little stupid shit? Pep rally was today, and it was the same as every other year, more or less. The school president wrote a poem that was slightly amusing, we made fun of Mcdonogh for being a bunch of rednecks (even though a good chunk of our students live closer to Mcdonogh than Gilman), and then we beat down on them. People didn't get too pumped for this, but at the end a couple skydivers jumped down and everyone went nuts. I don't get it.

Other than that, first round of college apps are done. Good for me. Life moves on.