I Named My Recent Short Story "Trapped In The Closet" For Shits And Giggles

yo. im tired of this high school bullshit. taking classes in areas that i couldnt give a single fuck about. china? writing fiction? i suck major cock at english/history. i want to learn something thats important to me. and yea, i still have to try cause i didnt get into columbia. where am i headed now? jhu? swarthmore? umd? villanova? i'd be cool with any of these, but i just want to know now. i gotta be done with gilman. 5 months left i guess. i'll just have to wait it out, bs some assignments, stay up all night watching shitty movies.

fuck! my ears are still ringing from that double dagger concert yesterday. i wish i didnt know that i'm going deaf. hopefully cochlear implants will be amazing by the time i need one. theyre pretty good already, but i dont think you can listen to music through one.

i think im changing my mind about seeing the youth in revolt movie. the preview makes it look amazing. presenting nick and francios as two characters in the same scene sounds like a great idea. i laughed out loud at francios' silly mustache. my god, it will be amazing.

Why do people get so excited for little stupid shit? Pep rally was today, and it was the same as every other year, more or less. The school president wrote a poem that was slightly amusing, we made fun of Mcdonogh for being a bunch of rednecks (even though a good chunk of our students live closer to Mcdonogh than Gilman), and then we beat down on them. People didn't get too pumped for this, but at the end a couple skydivers jumped down and everyone went nuts. I don't get it.

Other than that, first round of college apps are done. Good for me. Life moves on.

The Only Thing We Know Is It's Getting Dark And We Better Go

Love is in the air. My uncle is getting married today (finally). Good for him. I think he'll be so much happier for the rest of his life. Anyway, for once I know a girl that I don't completely hate. I'm not certain that I particularly like her, but she's smart and likes decent music, so I respect her. Goddamn. Have I never respected a girl before? I can't think of any examples that disprove this. Wow. Maybe I'm just a bitter jackass. Or maybe girls need to stop being such whores. It doesn't really matter. I'm excited for life again.

girls, girls, girls, girls, girls I do adore...

maybe not jay-z, but I think I know what you mean.

College, Redundancy, The Big Dance

Working hard, trying desperately to get into Columbia. Classes are pretty easy though. I really wish I had put some effort into the first 3 years. Fuck. I'm going to end up going to my third or fourth choice because I dicked around so much. I tried to be cool by not doing any work, but now I realize all that matters is what I want, and what I want now is to get into college. I guess I just never thought about it until my counselors told me my grades needed to be about 5 points higher to get into a top college. I had always assumed that I would destroy the SATs and everything would sort itself out after that. Apparently that isn't the way things work.

In other news, homecoming this weekend. I'm not sure what to feel. I am actually going to the dance for the first time. Honestly, I don't care for dances at all. They are tacky and boring for the most part. I guess just hanging out will be fun. The girl I'm taking is pretty and is into some decent music. I'm not sure we totally agree about music, but I think only 2-3 people do. Also, in a surprising coincidence, out of the twenty-some people at Mirkwood in July, both of us were in attendance! And I didn't even know this until after I asked her to the dance. FUCKING WILD.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Summer sucks. I get yelled at everyday to get a job, I don't get to sleep in anymore, and every night is like a Friday: exhausting. I wish I were 12 or 13 again. Working 5 hours a week was more than enough; I had virtually no expenses. At least during school I could see my friends without spending all my money on something to do. Why can't we all just hang out anymore? Why do we always have to buy food or go out? I'd be happy just watching the O's at someone's house. I'll even bring some fucking cheese dip.

How Anologous!

this charming man: the gaslight anthem as MKS: the unbroken heroes

ah. summer. the year just flew by. Wieters is in the majors now. Every time he gets up I expect some great hit, which is completely unfair of me, but fuck it, O's fans deserve to be hopeful about something. Prom in two days. I guess that will be fun. I find it hard to get excited about something like that though. It's so regulated by our overprotective parents and the administration of our school. All this unneccessary protection just kind of annoys me. Why can't they just let us be regular teenagers? I'm not saying they should let us show up plastered, but dancing restrictions? Seriously? Just let us be ourselves.

I have only one question going into summer. Will the Waffle Song finally be recorded? Probably not. We (me, that other kid who likes MKS, maybe Tim and/or Joe Gallagher) can only hope.

Titus Again (at the Black Cat w/ Lucero)

So of my 17 posts, 3 are about Titus. I can't help it. They're so fucking good. And of all the bands they could play with, they picked a damn good one. Lucero is a group that I've never really gotten into, but they seem to always be in the peripheral of my musical senses. Not that that makes any sense whatsoever. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never gone on a binge on which all I do is listen to Lucero for 2 days or a week, but I've always listened to them, 5-6 plays a week or so. Anyway, Titus is just going to blow everyone's mind. I'll be surprised if they don't exceed my expectations, which is surprising because they are really fucking high.

BEST O'S GAME EVER!!!!!!

Friday night, best Orioles game ever. O's won 5-4, after some serious tension in the top of the ninth, and we saw a fight - firstly, it started when one guy threw another about four rows down and five seats to the right. Then, the second guy's friend punched the first guy right in the face, which resulted in immediate retalliation. At one point, the first guy was choking the third guy, so someone pulled them apart, and the first guy turned around like the fight was over. The third guy got up slowly, drew back his arm, and whacked the first guy as hard as he possibly could in the back of the head, and the whole thing started back up again. Later, we discovered that all black people say pluck instead of flick. I'm not really sure how it came up, but we asked 4 random black guys out on the street and each one said pluck (when we flicked a 5th guy, he tried to tell us we were flashing him a gang sign). We then continued the experiment with 4 white people, who all said flick. Then, quite randomly and unexpectedly, a half-black woman stepped up and said she uses them interchangably. There is no way that's just a coincidence.

Remember That One Time Mike Bit Me So I Choked His Ass?

I have to start off by saying most of this shit is just what I remember. That doesn't mean it happened. I really did just make some of this stuff up. Also, I tried to be impartial, but I know it's pretty biased. Finally, I wrote this paper for school, so it had to be both interesting and devoid of anything incriminating or that puts me in a bad light. Enjoy

The most vicious and, some would say, only fight of my life (actually I had one other btw) started over what now seems such a trivial matter, but at the time was one of my biggest fears: exclusion. It started like any other time my brother Brooks and I would hang out with our friends Will and Mike, who are brothers and have been friends with my brother and me since birth. Mike would call Will a loser with no life, so Will would hit Mike, and Mike would either a)tell on him to their parents (which was rarely effective because their parents were extremely lenient in their punishments) or b)hit Will with a baseball bat (only happened once but still). As I recall this was a time that their parents believed no punishment was necessary, so we were able to actually spend an entire night without any parental interference. The most fun thing to do was always building forts with chairs, blankets, and anything else that was lying around. So we built our fort, and, for some reason, Will, Mike, and Brooks decided it would be hilarious to exclude me from the completed work for a short time. I did not like this one bit. I decided to build my own, cooler fort, but, lacking the necessary materials, I wound up tucking a blanket into a dresser drawer, putting a yardstick underneath it for support, and sitting under there alone. Then they decided to push it too far. Mike snuck over and pulled the dresser drawer out, letting the blanket drop down around me. I was so upset that I cried. All I wanted was to be left alone and mope for a bit, but they had to push it. I buried my inner anguish, and they soon let me back into the real fort.
The next morning, we returned to our fort. After some time I remember a ball was thrown out of the fort, and, as I went to retrieve it, they re-blocked the entrance to the fort. I refused to take that abuse again. I broke through the barricade, and fell in the fort on top of Mike. He yelped and pushed me off himself. I was so upset and angry, my mind rife with raw emotion, that I gave him a hard shove back. Later when questioned by my mother about who started the fight, I simply did not have an answer for her. The world was spinning; everything was happening so quickly. Before either of us knew what was happening, we were on each other like wild animals, swinging as hard as we could. His strategy was to bite me; mine was to scratch at his neck and try to choke him. I thought it was a good strategy because when I did it I got a reaction from him, but I realize now that I was actually being incredibly stupid. He was one of my best friends, and, because of his asthma, I could have killed him.
After our brief but intense scuffle, we broke apart and stood up, our fort already demolished from the fight. We stared each other down, both of us panting heavily, and, with his voice a bit raspy because of his asthma (or as I believed at the time, his pathetic attempt of faking it), he said, crying a bit, “If you don’t step out right now, I’m going to kick your ass.” Of course, now that I knew my strategy worked, I was brimming with self-confidence. I then stated the most arrogant words I have ever said in my life: “Bring it.” As he turned away (probably because he did not want to die), Will, ever the instigator, muttered to Brooks, “Your brother just beat the crap out of mine.” Despite the danger, Mike could not take this insult. He hurled himself at me, and we had another, shorter fight.
After all this, I was so distressed that I didn’t want to talk to anyone for a while. I took a long, hot shower, and locked myself in my room. Eventually I rejoined the group and just ignored Mike, but after some intensive videogame bonding time, we forgot our disagreement momentarily and began to talk as if it never happened. Soon we were outside riding our scooters, talking openly about what happened. Neither of us was mad at the other, and both of us understood that our initial anger was unnecessary. I hate remembering that morning, but ever time I do so, I realize how proud I am of my eight-year-old self and Mike for being able to put everything behind us so quickly.

So another birthday is coming up (yay). All of a sudden i'm rich from early presents. I can go out now, instead of sitting around poor. I tried to go to the movies Saturday and got rejected from an R-rated movie. I'm 17 in 3 days. Fuck that fucking bitch who wouldn't let us in. Life seems to be picking up though. In general, everything just seems better. It must be the spring. Baseball is in the air. I've been in such a good mood recently, I'm actually trying to control my fury at other inferior drivers. I'm not sure if that will actually relieve stress or just bottle it up, but it feels pretty good right now.

Yea. Awesome. Spring Break continues to impress. Despite having to get up early for baseball and being forced to find a summer job, I've still managed to have a good time. Shamrock shakes for St. Patrick's day. The second annual. Got a chance to hang with Wiley. Ate the most delectable burrito (with queso sauce of course). I then immediately went to my baseball game, in which I struck out twice looking. Fuck umpires.

Brooks is home. Just went to see Watchmen. Fucking legit, but unsatisfying in some ways. Probably the most epic comic book movie i've ever seen, but the superhero end of it seemed subpar. Like they didn't try to actually give most of the heroes powers. I don't really know. It was still very entertaining. I'm still trying to piece my brain back together since friday. Some really wacky shit happened.

Daylight savings sucks. 47 hour weekend? What the fuck!? Who would ever make that shit up? This is fucking mysterious. Anyway, spring break next week! Wiley gets back from Bumfuck, Vermont, or wherever he may be. Gotta love that shit. MKS spring break tour? New EP? We can only hope. Could be the best spring break ever.

Life Sucks for the Most Part, You Can't Go Back to the Start

Have you ever felt that all your efforts are pointless? That's me from now until I graduate High School. My college counselor basically told me that I can't get into a really good college - I was hoping I at least had a chance at Ivy League or at least Georgetown. But, no. I was told my grades were 5 points lower than they needed to be even for Georgetown. I feel like I can get into any lesser college with ease, so I've decided I'm not going to bother trying for the next two years. I'm dropping another of my honors classes next year so I'll have even less work. The problem is that I didn't mind the work if I was working towards something, but with all hope eliminated there doesn't seem to be any reason.

Depression Hurts

ive been feeling really depressed lately. life has been rough. after a week in which i had a bunch of papers due, i was looking forward to a 4 day weekend, the first of the new year. instead, i came down with some disease that rendered me incapable of eating or having any sort of fun and essentially killed my buzz. i went from a huge high on thursday night to an ultimate low tuesday morning. i felt so terrible that my entire weekend evaporated with so little entertainment.

FUCK Buying Flowers For Graves

This is a personal essay I just wrote for school. I tried to make it about life. Hope you like it.

Suicide is something I have never really understood. The world is such a humongous and wonderful place. There is an innumerable amount of interesting people everywhere. Once, my friends and I were simply wandering around Towson, and we acquainted ourselves with a man waiting for his bus. This man, named J.R., was hilarious. I had rarely if ever had any interaction with anyone like J.R. prior to that night. Life can be both surprising and intriguing with little more than a bit of human interaction.
I remember a movie called The Visitor that also reminds me of this. The main character, Walter, has spent his life after the death of his wife teaching a single class at a university and telling his boss that he is spending all his free time writing a new book. In short, he is a grumpy old man. The trigger of the events in the movie is when Walter returns to his second apartment in NYC after a long hiatus to find that someone took the liberty to rent it to a small, poor family of illegal immigrants consisting of Tarik and his girlfriend Zainab. Walter reluctantly decides to allow them to stay after he discovers they have no place to live. Eventually he gets caught up with them and makes their problems his own. He once again becomes a passionate, caring individual.
In Teddy Macker’s essay, The Weight*, he talks about his teacher, Mr. Wain, who harassed a young girl. I, likewise, had a teacher who was accused of harassing a girl in my middle school. Contrary to Mr. Wain, it was rumored that my teacher took his own life because of this accusation. Although Mr. Wain lost everything he loved in life, along with the only place he felt comfortable, he must have realized he could start over somewhere and still enjoy his experiences. I probably will never find out if the rumor about my teacher is true, but whether or not his specific case actually happened this way doesn’t really matter. What matters is that things like this happen all the time. Someone makes one mistake, and they kill themselves because they believe their lives will never again be fulfilling. The song “A Better Place, A Better Time” by Streetlight Manifesto sums up my feelings on this: “Fuck buying flowers for graves / I'd rather buy you a one way non-stop to anywhere / find anyone / do anything / forget and start again.” If you or anyone you know is ever considering suicide, just remember starting fresh is easier than it seems.

*The Weight was an essay we read in class by Teddy Macker, a guy who taught at Gilman last year

Getting All Nostalgic

I remember when fun meant something different to me. It was so much simpler. My brother and I could just play with our action figures and beanie babies for hours on end. It wasn't even that long ago that I could walk out my front door and play basketball or football with my neighbors. Nostalgia is a funny thing for me. Although I wish I could experience this again, I love life as it is now, too. Unlike Springsteen's "The River," my life did not suddenly get worse after that period. I'm not in any great pain now, and I realize that those times were not actually any better than the present, just different. When I look back, my nostalgia makes me feel warm on the inside. My brother and I were driving around a couple weeks ago, and we decided to revisit the neighborhood where we grew up. Just remembering the good times we had brought me back, and I feel like it wasn't that long ago after all.

College... Shit.

I'm starting to get caught up in the college frenzy. It seems early to me. It's still over a year and a half before I'll be leaving. For high school, although it was not nearly as big of a deal, I didn't start looking around until the fall of 8th grade, and there were still three or four schools that I wanted check out. It was by no means an easy decision at such an age, and I still didn't even start until less than a year before I left. I have no idea where I'm going, what I want to study, or what colleges I can even get into. It's exciting, but, in a way, scary. This could be one of the biggest decisions of my life. It will determine what direction I set out in. If I have a really shitty experience, it could actually ruin my life. There is still so much further to go before I reach that point, but if I get in where I want to, it could set my life on the right track. As I type this, I'm listening to Staralfur by Sigur Ros. It truly exemplefies my emotion right now. It's timid, yet hopeful.

My "Totes Faves" Albums

First things first: "totes faves" most likely means total favorites (?). It's just something my English teacher says (somewhat randomly) but he's a decent guy anyway. Here goes:



5. Milo Goes to College - can't go wrong with it, so many good songs, and it all fits together

4. The Airing of Grievances - I'm hesitant to add this because I first heard this only recently,

but it's one of those albums that gets better with every listen

3. Born to Run - Still Springsteen's best, although the River is quite good as well

2. As the Eternal Cowboy - my first Against Me! album, easily their most cohesive work

1. Sink or Swim - without a doubt, nothing can compare to this



TV on the Radio, the Hold Steady, Okkervil River, and Johnny Hobo all get honorable mention because right now they are my favorites, but it's just too soon to put them in the top 5.

Fuck the steelers, man.

Titus Andronicus. The kind of band I wish I could create. Despite most of the crowd not having a clue who they were, they played their hearts out. During the first song, "My Time Outside The Womb," Andrew, their lead singer/guitarist/keyboardist, jumped on top of an amp, and it promptly fell over. He did it with such energy and recklessness that you could tell he was just feeling the music. Despite the intensity he displayed, the crowd still did not join in until "Fear and Loathing in Mahweh, NJ" (most likely because of the 5 minutes it took to reset the amp), when everyone knows the giant "FUCK YOU". Despite the simple awesomeness of that song, the highlight of the set was the self-titled "Titus Andronicus" when no one can resist the catchy "no more cigarettes, no more having sex, no more drinking til you fall on the floor", and the clapping that even non-fans were able to join in on. Overall, this was a great show to start off the new year with.

Do You Really Believe You're Better Than Me?

I don't give a shit who you think you are or what sense of self-importance you give yourself, nothing ever gives anyone the right to mock others for who they are. A little while ago at Gilman, a kid got in trouble and ended up leaving the school because he snapped after from what I understand to be incessant bullying from several football players. Apparently, the kid wrote f___ those football players on something. Although the football players had little evidence who the writer was, they essentially tortured this kid into a confession by putting him in a headlock until he confessed. When they released him, he ran from them, crying, and screamed f___ n_____. Although because of our oversensitive society, these comments seem completely uncalled for. I am not condoning or justifying his choice of words, but it seems like the faculty has forgiven the football players who instigated the whole situation. One member said: "Most days, there are at least 10 freshman at a time in headlocks." Does this make the behavior acceptable? These guys drove this kid so far that he completely flipped. This situation just reminds me of a Titus Andronicus quote: "If I could say only one thing with the whole world listening, it would be 'Leave me the fuck alone.'" That's what I don't understand about it. Millions of people every day have to suck it up and take much more personal insults than these football players received, but because of their sense of entitlement, they are too proud to let it go.

A little bit about me

My name is Andy. I'm 16 and a junior at Gilman, an independent school in Maryland. At Gilman, I'm around the middle of my class. I try not to work too hard, but I want to get into a good college like Georgetown or possibly UPenn so I am going to try to work just hard enough. We get a lot of free periods, during which nearly everyone at one point or another plays chess. This is the most unique part of Gilman. Regardless of who you are, it is not weird to play chess, and no one would be considered a "nerd" simply for playing. On the other hand, members of the chess team actually refer to themselves as nerds. Although I am on the team, the other members decided that I was not nearly strange, awkward, or uncoordinated enough to be a true nerd. So I was deemed an honorary nerd.
At Gilman, chess is a huge portion of my identity, but outside of school my true passion is music. The music that I love most is the kind that was formed in a tightly knit community in which the music is foremost, and pleasing others and making money is not even considered. Music that I have been listening to recently that fits this description includes early Against Me!, Titus Andronicus, Johnny Hobo, and several others. In my personal experience, the music written in these situations is again the most passionate and entertaining of anything I have ever heard. I am a regular at MKS practices, and in the past several months I have been to two house shows at Earl's friend Joey G's house, each of which have featured performances by MKS, TV Dinner,and Failed Attempts At Facial Hair. At the latter of these shows, there was even an appearance of a rapper who calls his act Is He Misery. These first three groups all play music that I am familiar with and love, but I have never enjoyed more than a few rap songs. I genuinely believe Is He Misery was the best act after MKS (I may be biased, but because my brother and I have extremely similar musical tastes, I think he just plays what we both like) despite my distaste for rap. Well, anyway, the combination of these acts made for the best night of my life (along with Mr. G pulling out the atlas, which was a lot more entertaining than it sounds). Music is my life, and I hope nothing ever separates me from it or changes my taste for the worse.
I don't want to limit myself to music, chess, or school because I really enjoy all of these, and I wouldn't give any of them up for the world.